The Lord has in wise and holy providence taken 4 precious little ones to be with Him early on in my womb. He has stretched and grown us through these valleys of sorrow. Our little babies Job, Hope, Siete and Sita are with Jesus. Their little souls are precious to the Heavenly Father. Below are a few postings that I entered during a couple of our losses.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
A call to look up
Early in 1629 Lady Kenmure had suffered the loss of her first little daughter. Samuel Rutherford wrote her very tenderly: “Ye have lost a child: nay she is not lost to you who is found in Christ. She is not sent away, but only sent before, like unto a star, which going out of our sight doth not die…but shineth in another hemisphere.”
Grief was never far away. In 1633 another infant daughter died, and in 1634 she lost a little girl of eighteen months old – her last child. Rutherford wrote “Let the moveables go: why not? They are not yours. Fasten your grips upon the heritage; and our Lord Jesus…give you Ladyship to grow as a palm-tree on God’s Mount Zion; howbeit shaken with winds, yet the root is fast”
A short time later Lady Kenmure’s husband, Sir John died. Rutherford writes, “I thought our Lord brake the sharp point off the cross…I know the sweetest of it is bitter to you…Only, Madam, God commandeth you now to believe and cast anchor in the dark night, and climb up the mountain.”
Just a month or two after the death of her husband, Lady Kenmure gave birth to a son and it is not hard to imagine that all her devotion was heaped upon this child. Rutherford feared for her, lest she should lose him as well, and continually pointed her to the eternal heritage. “He…hath left little to woo your love from Himself, except one only child…Look to the east, the day sky is breaking.” And again, “Let you child be Christ’s; let him stay beside you as thy Lord’s pledge that you shall willingly render again, if God will.”
In 1639 Rutherford’s fears turned to reality for Lady Kenmure’s little son John sickened and died at the age of four. Even Rutherford was staggered at this sorrow and says, “I confess it seemed strange to me, that your Lord should have done that which seemed to ding out the bottom of your worldly comforts.” In a letter revealing the depth of his pastoral concern, he acknowledges her grief which, he says…”will have its own violent incursions in your soul: and I think it be not in your power to help it…Madam, I would that I could divide sorrow with you…But I am but a beholder…the God of comfort speak to you, and allure you with His feasts of love.”
About a year after this Lady Kenmure remarried. Her second husband, Sir Henry Montgomery, was a man whose spiritual interests were most compatible with those of his wife; Rutherford describes him as “an active and faithful friend of thee Lord’s Kirk.” But this happiness, too, was short-lived for Sir Henry died soon afterwards and Lady Kenmure must have recalled the words of Rutherford: “He (Christ) seeketh his answer of you in affliction, to see if ye will say, “Even so I take Him.”
Rutherford’s letters contain many allusions to his friend’s ill health, but she outlived him and his death in 1661 must have left her bereft indeed. Lady Kenmure lived on to a considerable age, though little is known of her pathway, she must surely have recollected words that Samuel Rutherford had written to her many years before: “Madam…when ye are got up thither, and have cast your eyes to view the golden city, and the fair and never-withering Tree of Life…ye shall then say, ‘Four-and-twenty hours’ abode in this place is worth threescore and ten years’ sorrow upon earth.’”
These excerpts are taken from Grace in Winter, by Faith Cook
Monday, October 15, 2007
Thank you all for your comments, your love and your prayers during this difficult time. The Lord granted that I did not have too wait long, and I miscarried our precious baby on Thursday afternoon. I had a dear friend here helping me, as well as my supportive nanny. S came home just as soon as I called him. Together we shared some beautiful memories. I had asked the Lord, if it was His good pleasure to be be able to see my dear baby. He abundantly gave me my desire. It was very, very hard, but at the same time, very, very precious. S and I together got to take this teeny little work of God’s creation, out of his little sac. S even cut his threadlike cord as he has with all the others after they were born. As our baby’s little eyes came into view, we broke down weeping. Oh, such a tiny little treasure, gone straight to be with our Father. Perfect in every way to the human eye. Although I was near 10 weeks, he had died at 7 weeks. The tiny arm bud, little legs forming. The eyes that later S would look under a microscope and see the little iris forming within. There was the spine, and even afterwards, when we looked close at an enlarged picture we had of him, the digital rays, where the fingers were forming under those dear little arm buds. This teeny little human being was breathtaking to behold. We felt a sense of awe, as it almost seemed like we had been given a window into the womb. How can one love so intensely one so tiny? Our hearts are broken, but we rejoice in knowing he is supremely happy at the feet of His Creator. What an awesome work, that only an Awesome Divine Creator could do.
After these precious moments with my husband and our little blessing. We took Baby Siete out to show his brothers and sisters. They wondered at the tinyness of this little fellow. It was a memory that we will carry with us for a long time.
We took this little treasure out to our pastor’s land and had a burial for him. We held family worship out at the gravesite. Singing psalms, prayer and S reading several passages of scripture. S had placed the baby in his class ring box, to bury him in, and after having each child say goodbye in their own little way, he placed it in the ground. Then, unplanned as it was, each of us hand covered the little hole. Even H throwing in her little handful of dirt. The tears were flowing, but it was very beautiful. S had made a marker that said “Baby Siete October 11, 2007”.
Afterwards our pastor’s wife had prepared a wonderful meal for us, cloth tablecloths and all! At the center of the table was the most beautiful huge bouquet of flowers, which I found out we were to take home with us! Even today, the smell of those flowers has filled the room and brought such brightness…what kindness and tender mercies of the Lord we have seen in our brethren. We have had such an outpouring of love it has been wonderful to behold. Meal after meal has been provided. The sympathetic tears, warm hugs, fervent prayers, and words of encouragment have brought such refreshment to our hurting hearts. Thank you…thank you dear brethren.
Some of you may wonder, why I refer to Baby Siete as a little boy? No, we do not know for sure, it was too early to tell. But, S has had a strong sense that our baby was a little boy. Since, he has been right every time in guessing the gender of our babies, we just feel that this little child was a boy. Only in heaven will we truly know though.
We are slowly healing. We are full of peace, knowing that this baby was never meant to stay with us here on earth. And it is an awesome thought, to consider his Creator formed Him with the intent of bringing him straight to Himself. I feel so priviledged to have been a vessel for the forming of this little life, that now there is another soul in eternity praising our Redeemer. He doeth all things well. His way is perfect.
Every day gets a little easier, although my hormones are all over the place right now. I was reminded today that life might take some time, before things are back in place. But, Lord willing, strength will return and healing with come. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
October 16th, 2009
Someone deemed Oct 15th as Pregnancy and Infant loss remembrance day.I did not know that such a day existed till this year.But, I have felt the pain of loss 3 times as the Lord has taken our little ones home to be with Him.One was between my first and second, another after my 4th and then our little Sieta went to be with Jesus two years ago. As you remember we named him Sieta which is Spanish for 7. By far, baby Siete was the hardest.As I think back on our precious little child, seeing his little heartbeat on the scan, then another scan where there was silence.Marveling over his tiny perfection in our hands.Burying our child under the earth on our friend’s land, with each sibling taking part.The tears and sorrow were strong.I had never known grief like that before.But, the Lord heals our hearts with time.There was a joy in knowing that our baby was with his Savior and supremely happy.I am submitted and content that the Lord doeth all things well. But, there are still times when I feel the hole.Times when I see other children that would have been his age…and I remember. This Oct 11th marked the two year anniversary of Baby Sieta’s untimely birth…I say untimely, but really it was the Lord’s perfect time.He never knew us, but he knows Jesus.It was with pain that I realized yesterday that I had forgotten.Not forgotten our precious child, but I let the day go by without remembering.My husband said, maybe that was a good thing.Maybe that shows that we have moved on…healed.I suppose so.But, part of me felt guilty too.I guess that is natural to feel that way.I would like to go to every woman considering an abortion and tell them about my baby…about how perfectly formed he was at such a young age.About how precious life truly is.Thank you, dear Lord, for giving us this little child for even the short time we had him.Thank you for letting us be a part in the forming of this little soul that is with you in glory now.
December 18th, 2009
A friend of mine from church wrote on the wall of my facebook with these most beautiful quotes from Samuel Rutherford. (You can check out my friend’s blog here) Samuel Rutherford was a true doctor of the heart and these thoughts are precious. May they bless you as well.
I know grace roots not out the affections of a mother, but puts them on His wheel who makes all things new, that they may be refined; therefore sorrow to a dead child is allowed to you, though by measure and ounce weights; the redeemed of the Lord have not a dominion or lordship over their sorrow and other affections, to lavish out Christ’s goods at their pleasure. ‘For you are not your own, but bought with a price’; and your sorrow is not your own, nor has He redeemed you by halves; and therefore you are not to make Christ’s cross no cross.
He commands you to weep; and that princely One, who took up to heaven with him a man’s heart to be a compassionate High Priest, became your fellow and companion on earth, by weeping for the dead (John 11:35). And therefore you are to love that cross, because it was once on Christ’s shoulders before you; so that by His own practice he has over-gilded and covered your cross with the Mediator’s lustre. The cup you drink was at the lip of sweet Jesus, and He drank of it; and so it has a smell of His breath. And I conceive you love it not the worse, that it is thus sugared; therefore drink, and believe the resurrection of your child’s body…
It is true, the child died before he did so much service to Christ on earth… but that were a real matter of sorrow, if this were not to counterbalance it, that he has changed service houses, but has not changed services or Master (Rev. 22:3, ‘But the Lamb shall be there, and His servants shall serve Him’). What he could have done in this lower house, he is now upon that same service in the higher house; and it is all one, it is the same service, and the same Master, only there is a change of conditions.
And you are not to think it is a bad bargain for your beloved child, where he has gold for copper and brass, eternity for time. I believe Christ has taught you… not to sorrow because he died. All the knot must be, he died too soon, he died too young, he died in the morning of his life, this is all; but sovereignty must silence your thoughts… The supreme and absolute Former of all things gives not an account of any of His matters.
The good Husbandman may pluck His roses and gather in His lilies at midsummer, and, for ought I dare say, in the beginning of the summer of the first month; and He may transplant young trees out of the lower ground to the higher, where they have more of the sun, and more of the free air, at any season of the year. Whatis that to you or me? The goods are His own… and he cannot be too early in heaven… and you cannot adjourn Christ’s love, which has taken him there.
I hope you will also read my thoughts on miscarriage while pregnant.