The day I stopped functioning

Depression, Family, Health, Homemaking, Mothering / Tuesday, March 17th, 2015



“Something is wrong. I just can’t do it anymore!”  How many times over the years have I said this to my husband while sitting in a crumpled heap of tears. Life sucking fatigue had gripped me strongly and I didn’t understand why.  To do the most mundane of tasks was becoming difficult and I was not able to be the energetic, diligent mommy that I so desired to be.

I have struggled for over 15 years with my health, beginning with the removal of my right kidney in 1999.  My second born was only 6 weeks old. But, it was after the birth of my fourth child that it was apparent something was really wrong with me. I was not bouncing back from having my baby, had NO energy and depression began to creep in. Enter several years of searching and attempting many different things in hopes of feeling better. I have been to regular MDs, natural doctors, pharmacists, chiropractors, therapists, nutritionists and psychiatrists.  I was diagnosed with Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome. Over the years I have done a lot of research. Medications, bloodwork, cleanses, detoxing, supplements, and herbs.  I have had help from many of these things for awhile but have always ended up back in the same place.

I finally ended up on prescription medications a few years ago after another major crash following a miscarriage. The medication was a huge blessing! The deep dark whole that had been limited to my first trimester in pregnancies now was extending even between pregnancies. For a few years those medications were truly God’s gift to me as my chemicals were imbalanced within my brain. Over the last couple years though like before, I was having more and more difficulty. I tried once again to seek for answers for my unremitting fatigue and the horrible darkness that came with it.  The mental fog and lethargy was debilitating. I went back into get another hormone panel done because I just couldn’t do it on my own anymore.  My hormone results showed my cortisol at almost nothing in the morning when it should be at its highest.  I was a mess.  In fact, when I went back and talked to the pharmacist several days later I was a blubbering mess at the pharmacy counter.  I could barely think straight or speak without breaking down.

The supplements he put me on did help.  But over time it still wasn’t enough. I was able to do less and less, spending more time in the bed and on the couch and the feeling of being not even a part of those around me got worse and worse. I would be with my family but felt so alone inside. My brain spiralled with negative, overwhelming thoughts. I felt a failure towards my family and towards the Lord.  All I could do was continue to pray for the Lord to uphold me in the fog, fatigue and depression.


Finally, my mom and husband realized they needed to do something before I ended up needing hospitalization.  They put me on a nearly 6 week sabbatical.  And when I say sabbatical, I mean it.  I was upstairs where my room was like a suite.  No children came in except by permission and then they had to speak very, very softly.  (I had gotten to where my body responded with stress at even the sight of the children).  It was to be as quiet and silent as I needed it to be.  I was brought healthy meals and restful teas.  I was not allowed to research my illness (which I kinda broke the rules at some points 🙂 ) No thoughts about any responsibilities. I was told to do all things that brought me enjoyment and quietness inside. Walks, puzzles, soft music, movies, reading, writing…The relief was immense! My whole body was in such a fight or flight mode that to completely be given full, extended rest was tremendous.

I went back into the doctor who put me on yet another medication. This helped for a time and I seemed to bounce back.  But I still wasn’t where I wanted to be.  After a month the dr. bumped up dose again.  Again I experienced some relief but dipped again.  Then he tried me on a third thing where many people had seem great results.  Not me.  I was beginning to wonder if this was the something the Lord would have  me be content with for the rest of my life.

It was apparent that I had to make some life changes.  I had to simplify as much as possible, streamlining my life.  I no longer could homeschool my 8 children (17 down to 2), needed basic household chores taken care of by others and have as much quiet as possible. My dear husband arranged his work hours so he could continue schooling our children.  He is and has always been my hero. A friend of mine down the street offered to let my children go there to do their independent work for a few hours a day so I could have quiet.

By this time I had learned about some products from my friend.  I was skeptical and just watched for awhile. It was one of those “too good to be true” things. But, I hadn’t given up trying. I was learning with myself that I had to try one thing at a time slowly when I made any changes. Someone had also told me about another nutritional program that had helped so many, so I tried that for a month.  I wasn’t impressed.

Finally around Thanksgiving time I decided to try what my friend suggested…

Click HERE for part. 2


photo credit: and Cornbread photos