It’s another day and I pull my aching body out of bed. It pulls me like a magnet to stay nestled beneath the quilts, but eventually I turn away from it’s draw and begin to sluggishly go through the morning motions. When I think about the day, an empty feeling comes to my mind. Where is the drive, energy, passion for this day God has given me?
I mechanically go through the motions of the things that I know I must do, hoping those around me don’t feel the darkness. I have so much to be thankful for…why the clouds? I feel the movement of this baby within, stretching out and letting me know he is getting crowded in there. I so long to hold and cuddle this little one…and Lord willing, will be soon. I am a woman most blessed. Why then do I groan within and feel that I could melt into tears, pulling the covers over my head?
“You are a terrible mother.” I hear whispering inside. “What a failure you are.” And all the list of expectations that I have written inside my mind’s eye, rise up to condemn me.
My energy is zapped, no strength left to even fight, it seems. Where is my faith? My heart inwardly groans. And I recognize the visitor. It’s name is Depression. It is an unwelcome friend that visits me often. And when it comes, it is a battle to keep perspective. If I were truly walking with my God, would I not feel joy at all times? But, that is like saying that if I am a strong Christian I would never break my arm. The Lord has given me this physical trial of depression and it is good.
I have thought that the Lord would be better glorified by bringing me out of such a state. And He has many times. But, this visitor comes again and it is because the Lord sees it best for me. I don’t like it. It hurts. My heart groans within. But, the Gardener knows the best way to prune me. So I must lie down and submit under it.
And I must remember that my Christ knows and sympathizes fully with my infirmity. And He is there in the sorrows and tears as well as the joys. Even though it feels terrible, to be empty is the best place to be. His love towards me does not change with my fluctuating emotions and feelings.
So, I wait. Knowing that surely “He will perfect that which concerneth me.” And the sunshine will come again, in my Lord’s perfect timing.
“Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my beloved, and be thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether.” Song of Solomon 2:17
“Who [is] among you that feareth the LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh [in] darkness, and hath no light? Let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his God.” Isaiah 50:10
“My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.” Psalm 73:26
Do any of you struggle with visits from this same friend? Leave me a comment and let’s encourage each other?