“I am not as nauseated as yesterday…is everything ok?”
“Am I feeling pregnant enough?”
“What if something is wrong?”
These questions float around my subconsciousness more than I would like admit and fill my mind with questions and doubts in early pregnancy.
I have had four miscarriages over the years, in addition to the seven living children God has blessed us with. To some that seems like alot, to others who have suffered multiple losses, it is just a few.
Having those babies waiting for us in heaven, has changed me, sobered me and I hope sanctified me.
So now being pregnant with Baby #8 (#12 counting the miscarriages) I don’t take this pregnancy for granted. The thought of miscarriage is on my mind constantly.
And it is easy for the fears to set in.
It is easy to get introspective and think of all the different possibilities. It is easy to let the heart race and be overcome with anxiety.
When one has buried a child, when one has lost a piece of themselves…life is not taken for granted.
But, I must rest. It is a time of waiting.
Everyday, as I bear this child inside of me…I wait. I am passive. It is so passive and yet so active. How can it be so. very. hard?
The thought creeps in, what if the weeks of fatigue and sickness are all in vain?
But is it?
Is it in vain to bear a child unto the Lord for HIS glory?
If the Lord is pleased to make me His vessel to create a little one that comes into my heart but not my hands will it be in vain?
What if the Lord is creating a little one who is meant to go straight to glory to be with Him for eternity?
Then I am honored.
I am honored to bear these children that I may never hold. I am honored to have been visited by the Lord in the forming of a little soul for His glory alone!
And so I wait. I wait, hope and pray that this child within will indeed grow healthy, be strong and laugh and play among us. I pray I can kiss his/her little cheeks and mother them through the years.
But, I trust as well. Trust that whatever the outcome, it is well.
I would appreciate your prayers with me as I wait.
For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.